Just got back to Poland and back to work. Had about 2 weeks in Turkey and a weekend in Paris with family. Turkey was interesting, seeing new parts of the world always teaches you something new.  Turkey is a wonderful place to go to visit. There's incredible amounts of good architecture, wonderful food, and sunshine. Istanbul is an insane city. People everywhere. Insane traffic and infuriating touts. The business meetings were productive but we may end up not wanting to do business in Turkey for various reasons. After Turkey I hit Paris and hung out with my family. It was great seeing them again. Chloe is growing up well. I'm really a family person, and to some degree a friend's person, part of me just wants to go home and live close to them and cultivate more friendships back in California, rather than wandering the earth.

I had some interesting conversations with my family. My Dad told me to get the job I wanted and not make decisions on the basis of my perceived weaknesses or the skills I had right now. Good advice. I kind of want to get back to school and get a History PhD. I've always been happiest reading some sort of non-fiction and I really think Academics might be the right path for me. Its a shame I fucked it up so bad in College and am going to have kind of an uphill climb of things. But that's the dream, honestly. Anyone know anyone who did history? Have any suggestions?  Other  related fields which might be interesting?

Not sure what else I might do. Computer Science and Law both seem attractive but both have their issues. I gotta do something. I feel like I'm someone who needs to have a specialized skill to offer or I will not do well professionally. I don't care that much about money really. I more want a job which will be interesting. And enough money to raise kids and protect my family - this is not a society where its good to be just a normal guy, you have to be able to protect yourself.  I also would like to live close to family and friends, not be moving always. That makes law attractive.

When I was in 9th grade I proved to my friend John D that most people were morons. (it wasn't very difficult to convince him on this point.) I still kinda think that way on most issues. There's so much out there to know, and most people are just so ignorant. The popular political dialogue in America is so misleading and irrelevant, and people have such a poor education.

I think a lot of my trouble is being lonely. I feel so good after seeing my family and talking to many of you online. I'm really a dog, a people person. And I kind of smelled like a dog today. Getting home was a pain. I got delayed by a day getting out of Paris, got a ticket for 100 zloty on the first bus from the air port, missed the next bus by literally 5 seconds and had to wait 90 minutes for the next one, then came home to my house with no hot water, not heat, a really uncomfortable "bed" (seriously), not much in the way of blankets, et cetera. Anyway, my new motto is if you've got 4 legs 2 eyes and 5 dollars you're ok. I really believe that. (although I don't want to say it too much or I might get jinxed) So much of life is stupid bullshit.

(BTW, part of this post was taken from an email to a friend)

Two quick news items:

Some coffee fans get grim delight in Starbucks woes

This seems like a storyline in search of facts. Are Starbucks really closing due to competition from local stores? Most "local" Coffee shops are pretty much Starbucks clones with different decor, anyway. Its not like there are people out there with different, more interesting business models.

At the same news conference, Senator Mel Martinez, Republican of Florida, said: “I don’t think that solar and renewables are any more of an answer tomorrow than opening up more areas for exploration would be,” Mr. Martinez said. “All of these are long-term solutions.”

He added, “In my way of thinking, the most immediate thing we could do to impact prices is consume less.”

-Lawmakers Re-Energized on Energy, New York Times July 9 2008

(sorry no link) This is accurate. Renewables are needed long term. More exploration for fossil fuels has the problem that  oil  (and coal, et cetera) is an international market. Increasing US oil supply doesn't mean more oil for Americans only, it means more oil for everyone. Renewables are great because they're not as sensitive to international market prices - its not like you can up and move a 100 MW wind project because the Chinese were willing to pay a dollar a barrel more.

Has anyone ever stayed in a hostel? Do you need to bring sheets and things?

I think Dresden Codak's "Hob" should be remembered throughout the ages as one of our defining works of art.  The latest strip purports to be talking about Humanity's Sci Fi future, but it could just as easily be talking about America - and the other countries in the American world too, perhaps. The begging to an incomprehensible system, the death caused by a lack of purpose - its all there, I think, if you look.

Had some entertaining conversations with people lately. I think Suzanne got the best line: "I need to marry someone more crazy than me, not less." I still can't think  what she means by that. Unless it was a veiled come on. (you know you don't have to hint, baby.)

I told Irene I was too lazy to work and she said "dude, grad school". It was funny in context.

I'm lonely. Part of it is my personal faults. A lot of it is how much I read, that other people don't. Reading is an alienating activity when you don't read with others.

Career Goals:
Learn Turkish
Learn the biznis world
Learn a lot of history (completed using college credit)
have a homosexual experience (college credit)
Work for the Military, Police, Border Patrol, or other Fascist organization
Join the CIA
Go insane (college credit)
Reshape society in my own glorious image.
Buy a dog.
sleep with a woman who intelligent, beautiful, not too bourgeoise, and who wants babies.
Obtain babies.
..........
Profit!

In Poznan for a few days. We’re here scanning documents. They wouldn’t trust a scanning company to do it because the documents are so sensitive (hi, Igor!) so we have to do it. And we can’t take out the staples, because it would ruin the legality of the documents. And the scanners take a minute to do every page. And we worked 12 hours today. And its hot. And I’m having hemorrhoids. .Whine, whine, whine. They’re all speaking Polish and I’m not really involved in the conversation. It’s a little frustrating. Of course, I don’t feel like I could really talk to them even if I could force them all to speak English. I’ve said too many dumb things about my self, as usual, and anyway, the cultural gap is more significant than you might think. They all went off to old town to eat dinner, I stayed at the hotel, lonely and miserable, but I didn’t see any value in another approach.

 

I’ve been so lonely. /emo.

 

Aaaaanyway.  My female friends seem to be having issues with their love lives. (poor Suzanne got asked about by a Harvard lawyer. Poor Suzanne!) You guys are almost as stupid as we are.

 

Starting to get into work a little more. Business can be interesting and engaging. I really do not want to dedicate my life to this though. Still kind of want to join the military but of course they won’t let me in. It started as a desperation idea but certain aspects of it are very appealing.  So many careers seem so lonely.

 

I feel like I have sort of a bad attitude towards life for a lot of reasons. One of them is my very conflicted attitude towards marriage. On the one hand, I want to get married. On the other hand, the marriages I grew up seeing looked like fucking shit. It seems like once you have a job and kids, you have no life – all of it belongs to the job or the family. On the other hand, really, sometimes I feel like I could do it if things were just a little different.

One thought I've had before: We live in an odd society. I have access to JSTOR, PUBMED, and other resources. I could, from my hotel room, access more knowledge than was in the Library of Alexandria. (well, not the same knowledge, a lot of those books are truly gone for good, leaving us with vast holes in our knowledge of the classical period, but anyway.) But, I don't think I could get someone to hug me. I also can't seem to do well at a job. /wrists. /emo. /lj

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about trying to get some sort of law enforcement job. On the one hand, its a ludicrously stupid idea. On the other hand, why wouldn't you want to do it? Desk jobs make me feel dead. Law enforcement, military, et cetera is the only job where you get to wander around with guns and shit, so that's awesome. I'm also kinda bummed because it looks like my asthma will disqualify me from basically everything. So I'm not sure what to do now.

The obvious answer is to throw myself into this job and try to make it work. And I'm trying. Today I got some things done. I'm getting into it more - but only because I told myself I would quit if I wanted to.

I'm pretty lazy and pretty stupid. I just purchased a 2 week trip to Turkey which I can't afford. The trip itself is not that much, but god knows what I'll be eating for those two weeks. I hope the hostels are fun+safe. There's some substantial business component here. Hopefully that will enable me to get some reimbursement from my boss.

I really need to get a better organizational scheme. I basically have no memory.

Ok, does anyone else think "complain to me!" sounds kinda oddly sexual?

The Slow Dancer Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLD) Steady, reliable, and cradling her tenderly. Take a deep breath, and let it out real easy...you are The Slow Dancer Your focus is love, not sex, and for your age, you have average experience. But you're a great, thoughtful guy, and your love life improves every year. There's also a powerful elimination process working in your favor: most Playboy types get stuck raising unwanted kids before you even begin settling down. The women left over will be hot and yours. Your ideal woman is someone intimate, intelligent, and very supportive. While you're not exactly the life of the party, you do thrive in small groups of smart people. Your circle of friends is extra tight and it's HIGHLY likely they're just like you. You appreciate symmetry in relationships. Your exact male opposite: The Hornivore Random Brutal Sex Master Always avoid: The Battleaxe (DBLM) Consider: The Maid of Honor (DGLM), The Sonnet (DGLD)

Link: The Online Dating Persona Test | OkCupid - free online dating | Dating My profile name: : ahl1982

This is startlingly accurate. (when I took the test a few years back I got "the manchild". That was also startlingly accurate.)

So, I'm increasingly enamored of the idea of going back to the states and doing some kind of police or border patrol type work. It sounds like a ludicrous idea for me, but I'd like to give it a try. Its not something I really thought about as a kid - I always thought I would do a desk job - but honestly, I really don't want a desk job right now. I've been sitting behind a computer since Windows 3.11, I need a break. The idea of having some kind of job which involves carrying a gun and being part of a larger organization also appeals to me, honestly. Its ludicrously inappropriate....but then, that's part of why I want to do it. We need more liberals in the Armed Forces. Oh yeah - I tried to join the Air Force but was rejected on account of asthma. There are some less positive emotions here - I'm obviously bad at a lot of the normal office organizational tasks, and I want to get away from work which emphasizes those tasks. Granted, they're omnipresent in our society, but I need to minimize them. So some kind of skill development is called for.

So, obviously, I should give this a month to see if anything changes, and read up and see if it still sounds appealing. I also need to stay at this job for at least another so I don't leave feeling like a failure, and so I get a project done to talk about in interviews. Also, I could probably pick up some basic skills in finance from these folks if I badger them to teach me. As much as I don't want to do finance, it can't hurt. And there's a girl out here I'd like to see a few more times. I think its unlikely to go anywhere but its worth a shot.

But beyond that, is there any point in my staying in Poland? I basically did it because I was a wreck and I wanted to get away. I feel like I've gotten away, I've had some time to think. Its pleasant, and I'm not spending that much money. (remember, its an unpaid internship). But I really am not accomplishing a helluva lot out here.

"This is a crap job. There are still mistakes. We do not ever send anything out with mistakes, never."

It doesn't matter where i am, or what I'm doing, sooner or later, that's what I'm going to hear. There are no good jobs for people who are incompetent.

There are a lot of metaphors for Peni, right? And for testicles? You know, hotdogs and olives (as my friend S put it. I don't know who the fuck puts olives on hot dogs though), whatever.

But what the hell does a Vagina look like? Apart from a Georgia O'Keefe painting.

I've spent a lot of time recently feeling lazy and stupid and good for nothing. I told Suzanne about it and she's like "Yeah, that sounds like you."

That was sort of a reminder. She just resolutions....so I'm going to try to be honest. Really honest. Not lying about my emotions or making up stories or pretending my life has gone better than it has or pretending I know what I'm talking about when I don't. I figure the people who put up with me already are prepared for unnecessary bluntness. If I seem like a moron, well, it can't be worse than its already been at my last few jobs.

Alex: I give awful massages
barefoot: me too
barefoot: But I receive them well.

Had dinner with a small group including Tom Schelling, who won the Nobel Prize in Economics. Wow, I feel lucky - although in truth, he didn't say much,  his wife was much more interesting. Apparently they both voted Obama and are resolute Democrats. She will try to introduce me to a few people in Poland, I think, which would be awesome.

I love that Linux runs fast, has a lot of cool free  software, and isn't Windows. Its a little frustrating how many weird little things aren't supported or are only supported with a lot of work - installing Flex Builder took days, and it still lacks a couple of obvious features. My Creative iPod knock off doesn't work. My family's new printer doesn't work. You will be trying to get some random feature to work and it will become this big production, it is too unpredictable. So I'm not sure whether to try to do a Windows partition, or just figure someone will have a Windows box sitting around that I can use.

Back in Cali, hanging out with family. Nice to be back. Going to Poland soon - about which, more later.

[quote]HILLARY Clinton has been branded a "monster" by one of Barack Obama's top advisers, as the gloves come off in the race to win the Democrat nomination.

In an unguarded moment during an interview with The Scotsman, Samantha Power, his key foreign policy aide, let slip the camp's true feelings about the former First Lady....

Ms Power told The Scotsman Mrs Clinton was stopping at nothing to try to seize the lead from Mr Obama.

"We f***** up in Ohio," she admitted. "In Ohio, they are obsessed and Hillary is going to town on it, because she knows Ohio's the only place they can win.

"She is a monster, too -- that is off the record -- she is stooping to anything," Ms Power said, hastily trying to withdraw her remark.[/quote]

Looked at old picture, of myself with some friends in 2000, when I was graduating High School.

Wow. I'm struck by how the time since then has been basically a total waste. And also, by how little I like myself now.

I've been over this ground before, and tried to dismiss it because its not a productive way to think. But its still basically true.

I had this sense of tremendous possibility. Basically, I got to UChicago, and it became overwhelmed by other things going on in my life. It wasn't followed up by any hard work. Four years of pain in College, which was basically fine but extremely unpleasant, followed by three years of living at home doing nothing. Now I've been out in Chicago actually working, dating, and generally living. But I'm struck by the shallowness of my thoughts, the dishonesty of my character, the smallness of my ambitions. I want that sense of possibility back - I'm not too old, am I? What was it that got it in the first place?

Life in other news is not so bad. Just enjoying a little last time in the Midwest with my roommates really. They're all really tremendous people and its been an honor to know them. I sort of doubt they feel that way about me and I don't blame them.

Running Linux now. Its amazing and I can't imagine going back to Windows. It asorbs a helluva lot of time, though.

I'm half-assedly dating a girl named Rachel. She has Asberger's and a number of other psychological impairments. She is really an incredible mess. More about that later.

From today's New York Times:


February 17, 2008
Follow Me
The Charisma Mandate
By KATE ZERNIKE

TAKING office in 1933, Franklin D. Roosevelt confronted a country in crisis. Four in 10 working-age Americans were jobless. Banks were collapsing. There were long lines outside tellers’ windows as people rushed to withdraw their savings.

On March 4, Roosevelt gave his now famous inaugural address, promising that “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Within days he had secured legislation guaranteeing the banks, and on March 12, he took to the radio for the first of his fireside chats. “When the people find out that they can get their money — that they can get it when they want it — the phantom of fear will soon be laid,” he soothed an anxious nation. “I can assure you, it is safer to keep your money in a re-opened bank than under your mattress.”

When banks re-opened the next morning, the lines were gone, as Robert A. Caro recounted in the first volume of his biography of Lyndon Johnson, “The Path to Power.” People put money back in, so much that on the first day after the chat, deposits outweighed withdrawals by $10 million.

It was the legislation, but mostly, Mr. Caro writes: “Their confidence was restored by his confidence. When he smiled on the crisis, it seemed to vanish.”

Would we call this a cult of personality?

Today that term is all around Barack Obama — perhaps because there seems so little other way to explain how a first-term senator has managed to dazzle his way to front-runner in the race for the presidency, how he walks on water for so many supporters, and how the mere suggestion that he is, say, mortal, risks vehement objection, or at least exposing the skeptic as deeply uncool.
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I find the "Cult of Personality" meme sort of pernicious. The logic seems to be that there is is no good reason why someone might like Obama, so it must be a "cult of personality". The implication is that Obama doesn't have the skills, experience, or ruthlessness to be President. The reality is that Obama's supporters simply express their support in more enthuastic ways, possibly because Obama's supporters tend to be younger. Beyond that, the idea that Obama is all smoke and mirrors simply doesn't make sense. He's built an immensly impressive organization and run a much smarter campaign than Hillary. He's been willing to go negative when necessary, he showed a lot of shrewdness in Illinois United States Senates. He taught at the University of Chicago law school while also pursuing his political career. He's got pages of pages of stances on the issues and policy specifics. Nor is there any evidence that Hillary is a particularly experienced or skilled politician. The media has created a dialogue of experience vs. rhetorical power because its a cool storyline - the old ruthless statesman vs. the young idealist. In fact, Obama is more ruthless than many would admit and Hillary is less experienced than she likes to project.

Take a look at the following articles:

A New, Global Oil Quandry"
Is this the end of cheap food?

Food powers humans. Fossil fuels powers just about everything humans do - manufacturing, transportation, agriculture, everything. Agriculture in particular takes up a ton of energy, meaning you're basically converting fossil fuel into food. You can also turn food back into energy by burning it, or converting it into ethanol (or biodiesel or whatever) and then burning it. The latter is a serious issue, UN spokesman on famine recently made headlines by calling ethanol a "crime against humanity". Now that ethanol plants are buying corn, people in developing countries can't afford to, and are starving.

We got through the 20th century without all of this being a problem. A relatively small number of people (ie, Europe, Japan, the US) had vast amounts of money and used it to monopolize the world's energy supply. The rest of the world was poor, and they had just barely enough food to get by. Now, the rest of the world is developing a middle class, and like the middle class in the US, they want to have cars, refrigerators, air conditioning, and meat for dinner every night. New industries in these countries are also using a ton of energy.

The bottom line is that there basically isn't enough energy to go around. There therefore isn't enough prosperity to go around.

One, a lot of really poor people in a lot of really poor places in the world are going to starve.

Societies based on massive amounts of prosperity are going to have to contract. The US, for example, is largely based on the assumption that everyone can afford a car, that everyone can afford private health insurance, that everyone can afford a single family home. These assumptions are going to be challenged in a very ugly way. The problem is that the smart, capable people who could remake society to cope with the loss of resources are all going to continue to have resources because they'll have good jobs. The people who need society to change are going to be the powerless. From what I know about Japan, its also in a bad spot.

One smart thing to do here is to create more renewable energy. This can happen quickly or it can happen slowly and painfully. Congress seems to prefer the latter.

The easiest change to our society to make would be free public health insurance. This would be a humane response to the loss of steady middle class jobs which we've seen in America.

I'd like to see a political candidate talk about these issues - or the national debt, or a serious plan to deal with our wretched educational system. No candidates really get into these issues. So I tend to vote on personality - who do I trust the most? - and values - basically always the Democrat. But I'd vote for an awful prolife Republican who had a serious plan for the issues I actually care about.

What's with all of my female friends wanting to fuck girls? Its not that fucking hard. You go on OkCupid, you message 50 girls, 45 of them reject you, you go on 3 crappy dates and you get laid twice. What could be easier?

Actually, I think the ratio would be better than that. I know a lot of bi girls just don't want to make the first move...if you're willing to do so you should be fine.

If you get laid with this method, you owe me pictures.

Fascinating article on Star Wars and the state of American Civilization. I basically agree with this.

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